Anyone who has dealt with addiction knows it is a miserable life. I remember waking up every morning and my first thought was always, “Where will I get pain pills today?” The fear of withdrawal keeps you pursuing ‘your drug’ day after day.
Suicide was an ever-present thought! But one thing kept me from it, HOPE – the hope that God would somehow save me from this craving that ruled me like a slave driver, and I would once again feel alive and free.
THE BEGINNING OF MY ADDICTION
I had just left a teaching position and moved back home to be with my parents because my mom was starting to have some health problems. I got a counseling position in a Mental Health Facility. I enjoyed the job, and I was happy to be home. But then, two things happened; my mom’s health significantly deteriorated, and I needed to have some minor surgery. As it became clear that my mom was not going to get better, I found myself taking my post-surgery pain medicine to treat my emotional pain.
A few days before my mom died, we knew it was only a matter of time and we were just trying to keep her comfortable. My goal was to just hold it together until she passed on. I was determined that she would leave this world with the assurance that I would be okay. I wanted her to die in peace.
I waited until I was the only one in the room with her. I walked up beside her bed and softly said, “Momma!” She opened her eyes and at first, she looked a little concerned. I looked straight at her and said, “I am going to be okay. I will be okay!”
Now, you have understand, I did not believe what I was saying. She looked back at me, and her countenance changed. She shook her head yes, and I saw complete peace and confidence on her face. She believed what I was saying more than I did. It was as if she knew something I didn’t know.
I have never forgotten that look on her face. It was obvious that the peace she had did not come from me. It perplexed me for a long time because what I saw on her face was diametrically opposed to the reality I was about to go through. I realized a couple years later that God must have given her peace that He had me in His hands and I was going to be more than okay.
A DESCENT INTO THE DEPTHS OF ADDICTION
The day we had the visitation at the funeral home for my mom was the day that I wrote my first fraudulent prescription for pain medicine. Unfortunately, I was good at it and that first prescription was the first of many to come.
I learned quickly how miserable the life of an addict was. I had become someone I never thought possible. Lying and stealing was a daily routine. It was like I had been sucked into a whirlwind and couldn’t get out. I did not want to be a dishonest, two-faced thief, but that was what I had become.
I experienced intense self-hatred and became consumed with thoughts about ending my life but then I would think what that would do to my dad. Those two thoughts just made me take more pills. It was a tormenting endless cycle that I was helpless to escape.
A PRAYER FOR DELIVERANCE FROM DRUGS
My deliverance from drug addiction happened in two stages. And I was about to go through the first one…
One night I was watching a tv show about a girl who was addicted to heroin and an angel helped her get clean and free. I kept thinking how I wished God would send me an angel to help me.
Until that night, I hadn’t cried out to God but after watching that show, something in me broke and I fell to my knees, looked up and cried out, “God, WHATEVER IT TAKES, please set me free.” The very next day, I got arrested and I knew God had come.
GOD’S GIFT OF HOPE
My dad immediately got me out of jail and took me to a detox center. I got clean and came home, and I asked a friend of mine if I could go to church with her. I knew I had to get close to God.
I walked into church that Sunday. Praise and Worship had just started and what I felt, I don’t have the words to describe but tears just started pouring from my eyes and I knew I belonged there. I joined immediately and I started to feel HOPE and happiness for the first time in a long time.
HITTING ROCK BOTTOM
Several months went by and I was so happy and so in love with God but as I said, my deliverance happened in two stages. I KNOW God had me experience Him and His hope like I did so I would have something to hold on to because I had not yet hit my rock bottom and my addiction was about to hit another level and get much, much worse.
I don’t even know what caused me to take drugs again for the first time, but I did, and my addiction grew exponentially. I tried to keep going to church while I was taking pills but that didn’t last long. It had gotten to where every waking moment was spent getting more pills. I had gotten to the point where I was taking sixty pain pills a day and on top of that I was taking amphetamines (speed) just to stay awake.
I was scared to cry out to God because I didn’t want to get arrested again but I felt Him with me the whole time. Every pharmacy I went into, He was there; every pill I popped, He was there. I felt His love and I never felt anger from Him.
I wanted to go back to church so badly so one night, I just picked up the phone and called some TV ministry for prayer. The woman on the other end was so kind, and she prayed for me and asked God to help me. I was caught and arrested about five days later!
HEARING GOD IN JAIL
I was picked up by the police at a 24-hour pharmacy in the middle of the night. All I could think about was how I didn’t want to have to call my dad. I did not want to hurt him again. I told the policeman that, and he said he would try to get the judge to let me sign my own bond so I could leave. Then he put me in a holding cell to wait to be arraigned.
I cried out to God, and I begged Him to have the judge let me sign my own bond so that I would not have to call my dad. Suddenly, it was like the holding cell had no ceiling, and I felt God come down. I felt Him like I would feel Him in church but even stronger and then I heard Him. I don’t know if it was out loud or in my heart, but I heard Him. I could hear profound sadness in His voice when He spoke. He said, “I can’t let you go. I love you too much!”
So, the judge did not release me, and I did have to call my dad. Once again, he came and got me and took me to the detox center. I was very blessed to have such a loving and forgiving dad!
DIRECTION FROM THE VOICE OF GOD
After I got out of detox, all I wanted to do was get back to church and experience God the way I used to, but Sunday was six days away, so I decided to attend Narcotics Anonymous. I sat there and listened to people get up one after the other and announce how they were drug addicts. It was depressing for me, and I just had to leave.
I got in my car and just started driving and praying. I told God that there just had to be a better way than to call myself a drug addict the rest of my life. Suddenly, I heard God again; He said, “Go to church!” But I said, “God, it’s Tuesday night. Nobody’s going to be there.” Then He said, “Go to church. They are waiting for you!” Well, at this point, I knew that I was about to find out if I was crazy or if I was really hearing God, so I said, “Okay, I’ll go!”
It had been seven months since I had been there. I pulled into the parking lot and saw just a few cars. The church has several buildings, so I decided to go to the main sanctuary. I was walking towards the door, and I heard my name. I looked around and saw a group of people waving at me and calling my name. I ran over to them, and they said, “We were just in there praying for you and we knew you would come back but we didn’t expect to walk out here and see you!” I told them about God telling me to come there that night because people were waiting for me and we all just stood there amazed and in awe!
THE POWER OF GOD COMES DOWN
Sunday finally came, and I couldn’t wait to get to church. I want to point out that I learned a long time ago that I don’t have to wait for a church service to enter into God’s Presence, but I was still new to all of it back then.
The Praise and Worship started, and His awesome Presence entered the room. I was standing out in the aisle beside the seats. I lifted my hands and told God, “I want You Lord. I want You more than anything!” As I stood there with my arms raised, I felt something come into my hands. The only way I can explain it is that it felt like power, the strongest power I had ever known but at the same time it was gentle. I could feel the power move my hands. I felt it move down my arms and all the way down to my body. When it hit my feet, I flew backwards and hit the ground.
While I was on the ground, God gave me a vision. I looked up and I saw God’s Throne. He was sitting there, and I saw Jesus beside Him. I could see two separate People, but They were also connected by something that enveloped Them both and God showed me that it was the Holy Spirit enveloping Them and making Them One!
Normally when someone detoxes from high doses of opioids like I did, the first three to four days are horrendous and then there are cramps and pain in the joints for up to six months. However, after God’s power went through my body that day, I did not have one more withdrawal symptom.
In addition to physically healing me, God put a sense of purpose in me. I knew my number one purpose for being on this earth was to share the Grace and Truth of Jesus Christ! My life changed that day! I still go through trials like everyone else, but I have hope, joy and an inner peace that can only come from having a relationship with Jesus Christ.